As public criticism and scepticism grows following news of the planned nuclear power plant to be built at Hinkley Point, Somerset, government insiders have divulged that alternative plans are also being considered.
The word 'nuclear' appears to have sent shockwaves of fear through local residents, who have poured scorn on the plans. Local farmer, Bob Mucker said:
' Why the 'ell they want to put that shite near us, for Gawdie's sake? Oi've got enough trouble keeping track of my sheep let alone havin' any go up in a bleedin' mushroom cloud. Tory wazzacks!'
Local Hinkley Village tea shop owner, Betty Muffin also expressed her disdain:
' Well, oi don't loik the sound of that at all. It'll put folk right off my toasted tea cakes. They'll be wonderin' if it was done in the toaster or just got a blast of radiation. Old Mrs Chuff comes in every day for a Belgian bun. Now oi'll be worryin' whether she's gettin' more than just a dose of Tetley's in her hot water!'
The local outcry having come to light in Westminster, sources say an unlikely hero has stepped forward with an alternative plan.
An insider close to Energy Secretary Ed Davey said:
'We had all been well aware over our collective years in government of Lord John Prescott's 'little problem' shall we say, and he has stepped forward with an idea we are keeping on the back burner should the nuclear plant plans not win public support. 'Old Punchbag' as we affectionately called him has had a longstanding irritable bowel problem, and produces excess amounts of flatulence on an unusually mammoth scale. He was well known for emptying the House of Commons in 5 seconds flat after PM's questions, but it appears his problem may become our solution. There are now secondary plans for a wind farm, powered solely by Lord P's farts.
We have conservatively estimated that just one single trump will power the whole of Chigwell alone for a week!'
With the present Nuclear Station plans at an estimated cost of £23 billion, it has been speculated that the alternative will cost substantially less:
'Our conservative estimate is £22.50. A tenner for the hosepipe from B&Q, and £11.50 for the stock of KY Jelly.'
Asked about Lord Prescott's thoughts on uprooting to a field in Somerset, the insider remarked:
'Oh he cannot wait. He and Lady P have been dying to visit Glastonbury for years. She said it was well worth slumming it in a cow shed for a few years if it meant she got to see the Arctic Monkeys live.'