David Cameron and George (Gideon) Osborne were last night sensationally recorded celebrating the privatisation of Royal Mail with a great big Gangsta Royal Mail Theft themed party.
The party started for Pre-dinner drinks at "The Last Post Pub" on Kensington Road, then the celebrations carried on to a Restaurant called "Extortion". Eventually the drunken Tories ended the night dancing to a Margaret Thatcher era electropop song called "Shopping" at a nightclub called "Thieves are Us".
A gangsta rapper who was witness to the strange dancing said, "They weren't like normal people. They got excited by the line "I heard it in the house of commons, everything's for sale".
The young gangster rapper then went on to say that the Tories kept asking the Club's DJ if he could put the song on a rap tape, with a gangsta rap beat, so they could use it as their election campaign song next year.
"Ya," George Osborne was heard to say, "It would make us look hip and funky... what's a cool word nowadays, Mr DJ, for really cool."
"Sick" He replied. "Yes, the kids will think you're really sick in the head, if you play that one."
"Cool, Mr DJ." Said Cameron. "Carry on hitting those bouncy beats."
The party invitation said to dress in appropriate fancy dress, so David dressed like a criminal in stripy pyjamas, and George dressed all in black in the manner of a ninja style diamond thief.
Food included smoked salmon in leafy parcels, and lettuces shape like envelopes containing caviar. And of course there were lots and lots of party games. One of them was called "Pin the blame on the postie" Another was called,"Lets steal the disability benefit from a blind man in the buff" Grant Shapps suggested that they play a new game called "Lets evict a poor person from a council flat in the middle of the night with no warning", but the other Tories said that wasn't a game, that was work. Shapps disagreed and went home in a huff.
There were, of course, other entertainments. The centre piece of the dining room was a specially erected wire descending stunt machine, like the ones diamond thieves use to steal priceless diamonds from museums. The machine came complete with a table and a perspex box containing an envelope, and everyone got to have a go at being lowered from the ceiling to steal the envelope from its box. Everyone clapped and cheered. "There was such a great atmosphere" Said another well known Tory, "But obviously I'll deny I enjoyed if any poor people get to see the video. Don't want to lose any votes now, do I?"
But most people at the party did agree the party was a rip roaring success, and they suggested that they should do it every time they privatise something. Upon being asked what he would like to privatise next, David Cameron said without a moments hesitation, "Oh, I would love to privatise the NHS, because then we could have a pyjamma party. I haven't had one of those since Rebekah Brooks got done for naughty news collecting. Just think of the fun we'll have. It will be well sick."
And the head of Unison Agreed "Only a sick man could think of doing something like that. I hope its not contagious. We don't want other people thinking like that."