The government has announced a crackdown on suggestively-shaped vegetables following numerous complains from the public.
In one incident, Olive Lilley from North Kensington had an unfortunate encounter with a phallic potato. Lilley, 82, had just opened a bag of spuds when she came face to face with the offending tuber.
Says Lilley: "I was making some chips for dinner when I pulled the potato out of the bag. My false teeth nearly flew across the room when I saw it. I felt violated."
A spokesman for the Vegetables And Greens Integrated National Association (V.A.G.I.N.A) said, "What happened to Mrs Lilley was very disturbing, but we all had a good laugh about it at head office."
Under new laws to be announced later this week, rudely-shaped produce will be available only on the top shelf of vegetable aisles, and retailers will be legally restricted to selling them only to creepy looking men wearing dirty raincoats.