Clarence House, London SW1 - (ReuterUs & AssoCIAted Mess): Harry 'Hellfire' Mountbatten has admitted to his Zimbabwean girlfriend Chelsy Davy that like his older 'brother' William, he too is an impostor implant impersonating a royal prince....And that his real father is former Tory Party treasurer and perjury jailbird Jeffrey Archer, whose perversion of the course of justice saw him thrown out of the House of Lords, the Conservative Party and its parent company the Hellfire Club.
The woeful admission came as Harry flew to be with his girlfriend on her 21st birthday at a lavish Cape Town bash sponsored by financial advisors to North Korea's Kim Jong Very-Ill-Indeed.
The news did not go down too well as the young Ms Davy was reported to have been 'gobsmacked' at the revelation that this House of Mountbatten cuckoo was implanted by MI5's CEO Stella Rimington acting on Margaret Thatcher's personal orders when the real princeling Harry was shot by his father Charles in Kensington Palace in 1986.
But Hellfire Hal reportedly had no choice but to admit this to the smitten nubile peroxide laddete whom he has been courting for the last two years, after lawyers acting for the UK's Ministry of Defence were forced into a tight spot not entirely unadjacent to the princeling's regimental seargeant-major's own peccadillo-strewn past.
This included the news that there would be no royal inheritance, no Princess Diana Truss Fund dosh-up, and no House of Mountbatten hand-outs for young Hellfire Hal....
Just his regular army pay of £17,000 per annum plus the odd freebie bag of pork scratchings from the officers' mess in Kandahar, Afghanistan - the most likely destination for Harry now that his regular training has been completed and a career move looms.
Clarence House officials have been quick to point out that an Afghanistan posting is by no means out of the question. But that females are usually not allowed to join the men on active duty because of the country's insistence that there are 'too many mules there already' in the mountainous republic and foreign women would only upset an already precariously-balanced eco-system.
Meanwhile in Grantchester, the former Tory Party chief fantasist Jeffrey Archer was unavailable for comment on this latest revelation which has come as no surprise whatsoever to House of Mountbatten watchers.
No news is yet available who the hapless mother of Jeffrey Archer's cross-fertilization project may have been but some ugly Whitehall rumors have been buzzing around a number of Labour redheads and their extended families in the M25 adultery ring-main.