During the past few week's Doctors surgeries have seen an increase in a strange new virus which has spread across the UK and affected the male population aged 18-90 years, Doctors report packed surgeries as more and more males succumb to this heretofore unknown virus.
After weeks of intense study involving staff from the MOD toxic diseases division wading through thousands of case histories, the virus has been dubbed, 'The Groucho Syndrome' due to the strange posture afflicting those who catch the ailment. Symptoms appear to mainly include, curvature of the spine and the clutching of the groin area whilst walking, heavy breathing and sweating and, in the case of some older patients, cardiac arrest without warning.
The Government, working closely with both the MOD and Ministry of Education have finally revealed the cause of this truly rampant virus. It has been identified as having started at the commencement of the new school term and is attributed to the length of 6th form schoolgirls hemlines, many of which have reached 'flange' level as the young nubile wenches compete nationwide to out sex each other! This in turn has resulted in widespread gonad agitation within the male population.
As a result of this discovery the Ministry of Health is issuing immediate guidelines to all straight males aged 18-90 by way of a brochure which details ways to avoid the severe discomfort which tends to rear it's ugly head when in the vicinity of young nubile six-formers.
Guidelines include, having a swift 'hand shandy' in the first available secluded area if in public, or a hasty 'pocket pull' if in a crowded area, thus reducing the swelling immediately and bringing instant relief.
The wearing of intense dark glasses if negotiating any area with an abundance of nubile wenches, such as, school gates, Wetherspoon pubs, local newspaper shops begging for a fag and the local chippie etc etc, the poor clarity of vision hopefully diminishing the gonads initial stirrings until one can get home for a good tug in private.
If traveling by public transport do not on any account stare at the schoolgirl opposite whether she is doing a 'Sharon Stone' or not failure to avert the eyes will result in the 'Medusa effect' inducing a truly painful rock hard stiffy if seated, or embarrassing 'tent pole' stance if strap hanging, furthermore, the latter might well be misconstrued by any homosexual passengers nearby thus causing potential misunderstanding when alighting the vehicle in question!
It is hoped that all brochures will be delivered within the next few days thus bringing mass relief to those males affected by this truly painful and embarrassing complaint and easing the pressure on the existing emergency services!