Written by D Agnew
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Wednesday, 11 September 2013

image for Police Taser use Doubles - Call of duty blamed
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British bobbies were under the spotlight today as it was revealed that the use of Tasers in incidents almost doubles with every release of Call of Duty. The shock trends were uncovered by using the freedom of information act and asking some kids nicking off from school, the data then fed into a spreadsheet then printed out, photocopied five times then studied by scientist type people.

It seems when our proud bobbies helmets are not fitting up people, contaminating evidence and typing out reems of paper work in smoke filled offices speaking in guttural Scottish accents, they unwind by playing call of duty. The rise in the use of the game as a way to deal with the stress of modern policing is slowly seeping into how our Five-0 act on the streets, with many beat bobbies preferring to be called SniPerxxKIll4r in public rather than officer or Pig.

Our journalist was given full access to the police recruit training department in Staffordshire a state of the art laser tag and bowling alley off a non descript side street. Inside, hundreds of up and coming constables of the thin blue line can be seen running around with bright yellow laser guns shouting "UAV spotted" and "kill streak" while they camp in the changing rooms rarely moving only to poke their gun barrel round the corner while covering the sensor with their other hand.

Important skills when hiding in the bushes with a speed camera in the real world.

We spoke to an Inspector who wishes to remain anonymous, we will Call him "BRAVO 1" for the sake of this interview. He had this to say about the use of Tasers.

"Gentlemen, at 0600 hours you will be inserted by black hawk helicopters to the primary target, an abandoned city in Russia."

Refusing to be pushed on anything further we made our excuses and left but not before witnessing a Constable Glitching out of the station by climbing on the photocopier and jumping up and down on a milk crate, until he could climb onto the dropped ceiling were he was impossible to kill.

It seems that this trend of wayward use of Tasers seems likely to continue with the announcement of a new map pack and some different coloured guns being released on Friday. One can only hope that GTAV is postponed until after Christmas, typically the busiest time for the Police with hundreds of games being released.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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