Written by Max Field
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Friday, 6 September 2013

image for Morning bingo sessions responsible for economic downturn
Balls causing murder at work

A new government report has blasted UK bingo clubs for their part in the current financial crisis. Since some bright spark at Bluerinse Bingo Club in Sheffield had the revolutionary idea of getting their balls out three times a day instead of two, all of the leading names in the industry have followed suit, now offering morning, afternoon and evening sessions.

At first, ministers believed this would be a boost for the economy, forcing yet more money out of the flowery, canvas purse of the elderly. However, it has now come to light that this move has backfired in a 1977 Ford Cortina style. A chain reaction has occurred, causing at least 30% of the UK working population to be languishing in their homes in a drunken stupor, funded by statutory sick pay.

Most people have been roused all too early in the morning by their alarm clock merrily dancing from side to side, regretting emptying the last half a glass out of the bottle the previous night. On calling the doctor's surgery at 8am to get a sick note, the line is, of course, constantly engaged, forcing the person into dragging themselves off to work with not quite enough blood in their alcoholstream.

The advent of morning bingo has, unfortunately, set this status quo into an irreversible tailspin. Most of the coffin-dodgers, who once happily blocked the doctor's switchboards, are now at their local bingo hall shouting 'house' while workers are finding they can very easily contact their doctor and therefore stay away from work. One day off leads to another, and then to a week, and on it goes. Word has spread around call centres, offices, supermarkets, schools, councils and every other place of work around the country that this is now commonplace, and fears for the economy are now growing.

Prime minister David Cameron hopes this problem will sort itself out naturally, commenting, "Hopefully the old farts will be stopped in their tracks by the bingo callers stopping calling numbers out and calling in sick instead, I can't see another way out of this shit, I'm snookered here."

But, reports are coming in that our wrinkled dabbing friends are baking cookies and cakes for the bingo staff to keep them interested, so, for now, the situation seems set to get worse.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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