Written by Jimbo Gunn
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Thursday, 5 September 2013

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Obituary writers across the globe last night pushed hard at the boundaries of factual news reporting to write more stuff about the famous guy who yesterday died peacefully in his food blender, aged 82 (or 83, depending on whether you believe Wikipedia edit 182 or 193).

Within minutes of the sad news first hitting the wires, editors scrambled to polish their library obits, updating references to horse-drawn carriages and gas lamps to reflect developments since the stock obituary was first penned in anticipation of the eventual eventuality of his death.

But despite news hitting online editions, TV and radio news, town criers and evening editions yesterday; editors feared that five people may not have read about the untimely demise of one of the nation's greatest treasures who used to be alive but are now abruptly deceased.

Jock Strapp, deceased reporter for the East West Country News, filled twenty three column-inches in this mornings paper, polishing his turd with direct quotes from devastated close friends who had the pleasure to have "liked" this particular dead person for many years on Facebook.

"I went to school with his chauffeur's son," wrote George from Penistone.

"I'm shocked. I haven't cried so much since Lindsay Lohan got arrested for that film Freaky Friday," added another close fan.

"It's all over now," deftly scrawled the reporter in closing; adding, "As the sun sets on another glittering death notice, I can get back to my gin until another dead guy pops it."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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