Written by Joe Leff
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Saturday, 24 August 2013

A retired senior police officer from Gateshead has been arrested on suspicion of stalking, talking and salt.

Former Chief Supt Ralph Condiment was held after a man and woman complained of being followed and subjected to a barrage of irrelevant talking before being showered by loads of salt.

In his defence, Ex-Supt Condiment blamed a recent run of extremely unfortunate circumstances. "A few weeks ago," he said, "I spilled some salt on the table and I've had bad luck ever since. I keep talking to people about my problems, and throwing loads of salt over my left shoulder in the hope that it will stop all this bad luck."

In the latest incident, Ex-Supt Condiment couldn't get his electric salt cellar to work, so he broke it open and threw the bits at a woman - who was shocked when a couple of 9v AAs hit her nose.

So Ex-Supt Condiment may well be charged with salt and battery.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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