Education chiefs have been left reeling after a shock slump in GCSE results.
When it comes to getting the grades, the female of the species has been consistently more deadly than the male. But for the first time, both boys and girls have been outperformed - only this time by family pets. Kay Neinz,16, failed all her exams apart from a disappointing grade C in Needlework. However, her Madagascan Fresh Water Ferret, Alan, attained 10 A stars and a grade B in Woodwork.
Critics of GCSE's have long argued that the exams are too easy and even a chimp could pass them. And as if to prove the point, Colin, a 3 year old Botswanan Silver Haired Gorrilla from Stoke Poges celebrated a B in Home Economics. He now plans a career at Pizza Hut. Although chimps and gorillas are not strictly from the same simian genus, the point has not been lost on ministers.
Schools Tsar, Ed Dewcate, said "We are seeing worryingly large numbers of domestic pets and other mammals outperforming their owners. Competition for jobs is going to be even higher. Especially now that an influx of Eastern European creatures is expected. Luckily, snakes and other reptiles are still falling well short of the mark but it's only a matter of time before they catch up" he warned.
Alan the Madagascan Fresh Water Ferret now plans to celebrate his exam success with a zero hours contract career. He said "It's a win-win situation. I get paid 35 grand a year and have to work zero hours. I think that's how it works anyway."