Atos, the French organisation employed by the British government to see which British people are eligible for disability benefits, have decided that Stephen Hawking is not disabled, and is not allowed any benefits, despite the seventy-one year old physicist never having claimed benefits.
"We see no evidence of disability in Stephen Hawking," said a spokesman for Atos. "He has been giving talks in Hawaii, Singapore and Croydon. These are not the actions of a disabled man."
Hawking has had multiple sclerosis since his twenties and has been confined to a wheelchair for the past half a century and has to use a voice synthesiser controlled by twitches in his right cheek in order to communicate. This, however, is no indication of disability to the Atos board of decision makers.
"According to the media, it takes Hawking hours to write his speeches," said the Atos spokesman. "However, when we rang him up to confirm this, we got no reply, and he also hasn't replied to the email we sent twenty-minutes ago. If Hawking cannot be bothered to defend himself in a timely fashion, he can consider himself removed from the disability list."
Atos is hoping it can employ a similar method with other supposedly disabled people, sending the blind a letter, ringing the deaf and asking the wheelchair bound to visit their fifth floor office.
"Sadly, we don't have a lift," said the spokesman.
After several hours, Stephen Hawking was able to give a statement about Atos.
"Bastards," said the genius.