Downing Street, London - (Associated Mess): In the latest policy revamp of his beleagured administration, Prime Monster Tony Blair told UK TV show Blue Peter that Downing Street was like an addiction to crack cocaine and that quitting it was just as difficult as doing cold turkey from the hard stuff.
"I don't mind admitting to viewers that I thought I could handle it at first", he told the show's host.
"Partying was fun and a few harmless hits was all it was ever meant to be in the beginning.
"And hey! It's ALL been strictly legit now, following the classification downgrading of the meaning of terrorism following the Good Friday Agreement which has guaranteed that the cops won't bust anybody caught with a bit of previous...
"Unlike the bad old days when Prime Ministers were regularly chucked out of Number Ten for the tiniest infringement.....Harold MacMillan, Harold Wilson...Margaret Thatcher...Phew! I could go on!"
"But sure, you get complacent, you get used to it, and you end up needing it more and more until you wake up one morning and realise you've just been a stooge for the Bush Administration all the time.
"And a gun-slinging pimp for the US oil industry to boot!"
Looking slightly tearful in his newly be-botoxed face, Blair then poured out his heart to the bewildered Blue Peter presenter, admitting he had failed to get a grip on the monstrosity that has now enslaved him:
"I've heard it said at a specialist re-hab for former Global Piss Process Luminaries that the Clinton Foundation has been doshing up, that giving up the top job brings on those cold turkey panic attacks.
"And that you then get the flash-backs, the cash-backs, the withdrawal of troops symptoms.
"And finally the delirium tremens when your own party tells you that it's time to stop but you just can't bring yourself to do it.
"But Lord knows I've tried....
"But it's the wife really. She calls the shots.
"A little harmless using habit soon mushrooms to full-blown using. And then it all escalates and one of you ends up dealing. Like Bigtime.
"And before you know it all the other Non-Aligned Drug Barons Movement operatives on your turf are queing up to lend you money in exchange for a cushy sinecure at the House of Lords....
"I mean, I tried to stop her, but the buzz was just too great, the bungs too spectacular and the mortgage payments on the bijou Bayswater residence just too frightening to ignore.
"Now I've made a promise to quit by next year, it's all going to be very different.
"Anonymous self-help groups like Warmongers Anonymous have sent me their useful little brochures and tips for staying off the hard stuff.
"The UN, the World Health Organization, the International War Crimes Tribunal in the Hague....all these are now distinct possibilities for the future.
"Sure, you have to pass clean urine tests for six months in a row and maybe even agree to a bit of electronic tagging on the side. But what's six months in politics?
"Six months???? With my previous, I'm told we could be talking a Nurenberg trial, then Traitors' Gate, Tyburn and a swift exit into the hystery books.
"So the message for all your young viewers is, JUST SAY NO. It's not worth it. You might think you can handle it but it will eat you up and then spit you out just as it's doing to me.
"And forget those quack remedies that the therapists are always peddling. Nothing works. Believe me I've tried.
"All along I wondered, maybe it's just a congenital deficiency that I was born with, like a cannabis deficiency that most alcoholics inherit from their mothers.
"But the jury's still out on that one.....
"So goodbye, farewell, this will be the first of my one hundred televised appearances to say thank you, god bless and amen."