New NHS guidelines for tackling childhood obesity have been unveiled. The measures are to be introduced with immediate effect.
It will now be a criminal offence for dieticians to write to parents to advise their child may be "fat", "obese" or a "salad dodging lard arse."
Such pejorative terms will be outlawed in order to "soften the blow" and "tone down" the message being sent out to the parents of miniature rhinocerpigs and gormandizing behemoths. Also out will be car window signs informing drivers that a "greedy bastard" is "on board."
Health guru, Caroline Glutton, believes the new softly softly approach will work in the long term. She asserts "Historically we have singled out larger boned children but this has led to a rise in comfort eating. I know of at least two distressing cases where upset children ate a three piece suite in one sitting. Another child said she was so hungry she could eat a horse. And she did - the unfortunate equine beast was found dead next to three serviettes and two sachets of mayonnaise."
Not everyone is happy however. Father of one, Adie Posité, from Belgium moaned "I got my letter this morning. It inferred my little princess was a chubster with more chins than the Chinese phone book." He added "Poppy is a normal, happy-go-lucky 8 year old who likes the odd McDonalds (protein), bag of chips (one of your five a day), and 6 pints of Guinness (full of iron). And at 36 stone she's certainly no different to her peers."