Following reports in Thursday's Guardian, Spoof journalist Paxton Quigley was shocked to discover that he had become a victim of US security surveillance officers. He spoke to a colleague on the newsdesk about his experience and we are now exposing the length of the US National Security Agency's reach.
Former intelligence analyst at the NSA turned whistleblower Edward Snowden's revelations had included the following in a video interview with the Guardian on 10th June: "I, sitting at my desk, could wiretap anyone - even the president if I had a personal email" and the latest Guardian investigation had stumbled upon a programme called XKeyscore which the NSA uses to "obtain real-time interception of an individual's internet activity". This is what shocked Paxton.
"I was sitting at my dining room table working on my laptop, having a quiet cup of tea with some toast and jam and listening to Dance Groove Radio, emailing government contacts and gathering what information I could about this XKeyscore thing when I received an unsolicited Skype call. I didn't know the caller but I answered it anyway.
"I was surprised to see a bullet-headed rotund gentlemen with cropped hair and aviator style dark glasses glaring at me and shaking his head. He was wearing a short sleeved white shirt with a button-down collar and a narrow striped tie and he was seated behind a desk. Through the window behind him I could see what I thought was the White House and on his desk was a name: Special Agent McDonald Budweiser."
The conversation went like this:
MB "What are you doing, bud?"
PQ "What do you mean? Who are you?"
MB "I'm a friend, you can call me 'Mac'."
PQ "A friend? I don't know you."
MB "I'm just here to give you a friendly warning to stop what you're doing."
PQ "Doing what? Who the hell are you?"
MB "Listen to me, bud, have you ever been waterboarded?"
PQ (alarmed) "What the fuck are you talking about?"
MB "Just asking. I'm only here to advise you to stop looking into XKeyscore. It doesn't exist, it's a figment of your commie imagination. Sorry, that's Islamic imagination. Must keep with it."
PQ "But how do you know what I'm doing? Shit, it does exist doesn't it? It's bloody obvious."
MB "Just cool it, bud. Have a nice day and stay lucky."
The Spoof asked the White House for comment but no-one was available.
Paxton Quigley is currently in hiding in a safehouse in Balham provided by The Spoof.
Ed: Don't tell them that, you stupid fuckers.