Bournemouth - (Associated Mess): Ancient arcane rituals behind the scientific formula to select Tory Members of Parliament have been revealed at today's opening session of the Conservative Party Conference in Bournemouth, following media accusations of secret done deals behind Hellfire Club smokescreens financed by the Riggs Bank.
And while today's revelations do not come as much of a surprise to seasoned political analysts familiar with the fascist cabal that propelled Margaret Thatcher into British high office, the formulaic procedures still rampant within the Tory Party are no less assinine today than they were when Ted Heath assumed the Party mantle in the Hellfire Club's glory days of the 1970s.
The news may come as something of a blow to the latest incumbent to lead the Tories to yet another stunning victory in the polls...in that dim and distant future where his prescient political vision solves the civil war fiasco in Iraq, destroys Al-Qaeda factions in the War Against Terra and cuts UK income tax to a flat-rate 5% following his Party's astonishing discovery of the largest natural gas field on Planet Earth....underneath London Zoo.
David Cameron's December 2005 dream-ticket nomination itself may have been part of this ancient rite that bypassed traditional stalwart leadership qualities such as integrity, political nous, experience, credibility and a cocaine-free university background.
However, the fledgeling Party leader was in buoyant mood today following confident reports from fellow Hellfire Club alumni of his Eton salad days who have reported that all traces of his own links to the Bush Family Evil Empire had been successfully erased thanks to the surprising malleability of former MI5 head Stella Rimington following her elevation to a Damehood and useful sinecures at British Gas and Marks & Spencer.
Even notorious security/intelliegnce implants such as disgraced MI6 simpleton stooge Richard Tomlinson could not have been more convincing in his role as a successful disinformation source in the long running saga of his attention-seeking accusations of corruption within the British spook ranks.
As David Cameron finalises his blockbusting maiden conference speech as Tory leader today, the party faithfull are agog with delight at the prospect of being entertained by keynote speakers that he has arranged for their delectation this week.
And while not quite in the fabled Bill Clinton mould as yet, the forthcoming appearance of US Republican Party 2008 White House nomination wannabbee Senator John McCain is bound to pull in the masses and cresult in that all-important wallet-emptying rapture into depleted party coffers ahead of the next stage in the financing of the Cameron election strategy.
Meanwhile, reports that the Metropolitan Police's Anti-Corruption Unit investigating the fiasco of the bungs-for-peerages scam may come a-knocking on the Bournemouth convention front door before any foray into Number 10 Downing Street were confidently dismissed today as 'hogwash' by scornful Tory grandees elevated to the Upper House by former UK Prime Monster John Major.
And so the mystery of how the Hellfire Club's most pathetic apologist and successor to Margaret Thatcher's Premiership got his uber-gong - the Knighthood of the Ancient Order of the Garter - must patently remain an intrinsic component of that same selection procedure illustrated herewith...