Written by Paxton Quigley
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Thursday, 25 July 2013

image for Balham Family Says Come Dine With Me "Ruins Lives"
"I wanted calamari on mine."

Balham residents Mr. and Mrs. Lyndon Transport told Spoof journalist Paxton Quigley how 24/7 broadcasts of Come Dine With Me and a local Waitrose had ruined their lives by turning their children against them and making them into pariahs in the local community.

Said a distraught Mr. Transport, "Life used to be so easy. We could cook plain and simple English food for the children and then along came Come Dine With Me shortly followed by a Waitrose store on the high road. In those days we could give them sausage and mash or beans on toast for tea, on Sunday a good roast beef and Yorkshire pudding or a roast chicken and two veg and sometimes on a Friday we'd get in cod and chips from the Chinese chippie. If we were to do a dessert, sorry it's pudding now, they were happy with apple pie and custard from Sainsbury's, a tin of rice pudding or a thawed out Black Forest gateau. Do you remember gammon and pineapple? Those were the days. That's all gone now. It's not good enough for them."

Mrs. Transport joined in, "Yes, if I bake some salmon, it's 'is this wild Atlantic salmon?' so I tell them it wasn't very happy when it was caught. Fish and chips has to be 'pan fried fillet of Icelandic cod in home made beer batter nestling on a bed of hand cut organic Maris Piper potato chips served with petit pois in unsalted butter'. I can't even do a good old-fashioned spag bol any more. They will eat pasta if it's done to their taste, but it has to be absolutely 'al dente' and 'drizzled' with 'Extra Fine Virgin olive oil and freshly squeezed lemon juice with cracked pepper' or there's hell to pay. Now they've developed a taste for 'seared scallops with fried chorizo chunks accompanied with a parmesan sauce and served with pommes dauphinoises straight from the oven'. Apple pie has to be 'tarte tatin' now but I can't get the caramel right and they always complain. I spend the morning looking for the best ingredients in the shops and the rest of the day in the kitchen cooking. I am exhausted."

"It's got worse with the advent of Waitrose here" said her husband. "You can't go in Sainsbury's now or the neighbours sneer at you. I've taken to carrying a Waitrose carrier bag with me just to put my Tesco shopping in it. With the children you can just about get away with buying a Waitrose pizza, but they still come up with 'is this hand stretched? How about stone baked?' and 'I wanted calamari and shallots on mine.' Bloody hell, why can't they eat McDonald's like their schoolmates?"

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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