In a frank interview today a Buckingham Palace spokesman was forced to admit that an unprecedented attempt to widen the royal gene pool had been a "dismal failure".
It was during a discussion with the BBC's Royal Toadie, Nicholas Witchell, that the admission was made by Sir Nigel Farquaharslicker, Lickspittle-in-Waiting to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge who also performs the duties of HRH The Prince of Wales' Honorary Toothpaste Tube Squeezer.
"Yes, it's true, the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gluecksburgs, alias the Windsors, had a family conference a couple of years ago to sort out the problem and it was Barbara, you know her: the landlady of the Queen Vic, who came up with the wheeze. In her loveable faux "cor blimey guv" fashion, she suggested getting in some commoner's blood to reinvigorate the family chromosomes. They just had to sort out this problem of baldness running through the male lineage so we searched for a slapper who wouldn't mind being on the receiving end of Wills' two and a half inches. That's at play, of course.
"It's strange, but somehow the family became infected with ginger about thirty years ago and Harry doesn't suffer any symptoms at all. The ginger gene seems to work but it does have the side effect of making royals even more dim than usual, you know - dressing up as a nazi or getting yourself snapped in the buff. Now, I'm not pointing any fingers, but that Chris Evans is persona non grata at the palace.
"Anyway, this science stuff is all Greek to me as Prince Philip would say, and when HRH Prince George was born the family was devastated to be presented with a little bald bastard, not literally of course. So after a few days deliberation we called in the consultants from the Royal Hospital for Royals to talk about it. Their advice was an emergency hair transplant and even as we speak loyal Londoners are lining up outside the hospital to offer themselves as donors. Of course, the simpletons are wasting their time as we have already identified a suitable donor who has the necessary credentials and we have the Metropolitan Police and Special Branch looking for him now. If you're reading this will you please contact your nearest police station, Mr. Lawrence Llewellyn-Bowen."