Written by Paxton Quigley
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Topics: Royalty, Royal Baby

Wednesday, 24 July 2013

image for Cameron Calls Referendum on Divine Right of Kings
On your knees, peasants

Hot on the heels of the birth of the so-called "royal baby", Prime Minister "Do Nothing Dave" Cameron emerged blinking from his Downing Street bunker today, to reveal his latest wheeze intended to unite his ailing ragbag party of neo-fascists, asset strippers, racists, fraudsters, millionaire posh boys and simpletons.

Speaking from atop a hastily erected dais, the Prime Minister addressed the alcohol-sodden, sweating and sunburnt Downing Street press corps as well as television cameras from the world's media.

"Today it is my proud duty to make an announcement which will reverberate around the United Kingdom and resonate in the breasts of all true British subjects. Following the birth of baby Prince George to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge which has reinforced the nation's fascination for all things royal, I am proposing to lay before Parliament a bill to allow a referendum on restoring the Divine Right of Kings to the House of Windsor as soon as possible. This will allow them carte blanche to overrule Parliament, to rule by decree and ride rough shod over the common interest as they see fit.

"I think that this is an opportune moment, no - an historic moment for Her Majesty's Government to take this momentous decision in view of the obsequious displays of loyalty to the Crown which we have seen in recent years, crowned if I may say by the new royal arrival.

"There will be dissenters, of course, but then again there always are, but I am quite confident in the maturity of the great British public which has always known its place in society and that is to bow and scrape to royalty and the aristocracy whenever the opportunity arises. People may well ask, why should we allow this to happen and I would say that I have the greatest confidence that the Queen and the three current heirs to the throne will not abuse the trust which the British people will invest in them. The Prince of Wales for one is a man of high reputation with a wide spectrum of interests who already interferes, erm sorry, I mean, expresses his opinion on all matters of government.

"Some will say we have had civil wars over the Divine Right of Kings and that one monarch, unfortunately also named Charles, even lost his head over the subject. But remember this, he was a Scot and furthermore was married to a Roman Catholic, unlike today's ruling family the Saxe-Coburg-Gotha-Schleswig-Holstein-Sonderburg-Gluecksburgs who are thoroughly English and will rule fairly and in the interest of the people. God Save the Queen."

In response to questions from Guardian and Channel 4 News journalists the Prime Minister was forced to deny that HRH Prince Charles will be issuing a manifesto of changes and improvements to government policy. Rumoured to be included in this forthcoming policy document are removal of all wind farms in the British isles, the demolition of "the Shard" to be replaced by something in a "Regency style" and the compulsory prescription of homeopathic medicines by all GPs, something already agreed with like-minded alternative medicine fan the Health Secretary Jeremy C Hunt.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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