After better part of 20 months living in semi-darkness with household lights necessary during supposed daylight hours the UK is suddenly basking in what the weather clowns refer to as a 'heatwave'.
For the average Pom the term 'heatwave' refers to any temperature that exceeds 11c and of course this immediately sends the national press into a frenzy. Worn out photos of Brighton Beach resembling the D-Day landinga are blazened across newspapers as tens of thousands of lily white Brits huddle shoulder to shoulder seeking a personal share of the sun. Add to this the obligatory shot of three of four big breasted slappers rolling about in the septic sea hopping to get 'discovered' by another type of Sun and appearing on page three sans knickers!
Those poor souls not brave enough to endure the eight hour traffic jams to the coast prefer to trek to Tesco and other overpriced Suermarkets to buy Barbecue 'coals'. The latter invariably stink like sewage farms when lit and prodce eye watering acrid smoke as totally inexperienced 'would-be-Aussies' attempt to cook on £1 throw-a-way barbecues.
Yes, the great pommie back door cremation season has started in earnest, necessitaing the closing of all windows to keep out the smell of burnt, rancid chicken legs and (way past their best before) snag odours polluting ones lounge! It is also necessary to bring in any washing off ones line for fear of it smelling like an Abbo's jockstrap as the increasing columns of black smoke waft over the garden fence.
Meanwhile, as if not already overworked both the Fire Brigade and Ambulance Services are required to be on 24/7 high alert to put out burning fences, sheds and, in many cases, the cook! Whilst the Paramedics have to deal with an assortment of third degree burns and often, a full blown cremation.
The final touch to thi wonderful annual event is the dulcet tones of Nat King Cole sing on the radio: "In the Good old summertime, when the barbie smoke makes you lind...la, la, la....roll on fucking winter!!