Written by IainB
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Thursday, 18 July 2013

image for Isle of Wight News - Cowes Kangaroo Farm to close
Cowes High Street this morning

Kangaroo Farm in Cowes, affectionately known as KFC, the island's only farm of kangaroos is to close it's gates at the end of the month for the last time after complaints from local residents forced the council into action.

"We've been keeping kangaroos at KFC for thirty years," said KFC owner, Bruce Oz. "We'd never had any problems until last year."

At some point in the last year, the kangaroos have started escaping, terrorising the residents of Cowes.

Road traffic accidents in the area are up three fold over the past year with drivers swerving to avoid the fast moving marsupials as well as looking out of the window at one bounding along the road. Additionally, the gardens in the area have been denuded of privet bushes that appear to be a favoured food stuff for the wild kangaroos, completely decimating the Cowes Topiary Gardens.

"We do round them up periodically," said Bruce. "And those we can't catch, we shoot or hit with a specially designed Jeep brought in from Australia."

The fences around the farm have been extended several times, and currently stand at sixteen feet high, with a series of fences that could grace any maximum security prison. CCTV cameras dot the fence all the way around but have yet to spot a single kangaroo in the process of escaping. Nor have any kangaroos been caught by the twenty-four hour patrolling armed guards or the minefield, although a number of exceptionally large rabbits have been turned into rabbit jigsaws.

"We have attempted to escape ourselves," said Bruce. "Even using tools to break through the fences we always get caught by one of the alarms, searchlights or cameras. I'm beginning to think kangaroos are indigenous to the Isle of Wight!"

It's not all bad news, since the escapes, every single child that has fallen down a well has been rescued, and the smugglers coming into Cowes have all been caught. It's not enough to save the farm from closure however, and at the end of this month, it will be closed. The animals will all be put down humanely by being killed by humans. Kangaroo meat is expected to be quite cheap for the next few weeks.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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