Alex Salmond has announced that Scottish independence has been put on hold until such time that Andy Murray has received a knighthood for doing his job better than anybody else.
"If Scotland seceded from the Union before the honours list," said Salmond, "then Andrew wouldn't be a UK citizen, and therefore ineligible for a knighthood. We, the Scottish people deserve a Knight of the Realm living in our country. Once he's been given it, they won't be able to take it away."
Salmond has had to issue this stipulation when it turned out he was unable to elevate Murray to sainthood in the Church of Scotland, as there is no church of Scotland, and the Vatican didn't class Andy Murray winning Wimbledon as a miraculous event.
"I contacted that Pope bloke," said Salmond, "and he said whilst it was utterly remarkable that the British could produce a Wimbledon champion, it wasn't quite a miracle. I did point out that it was more miraculous than being able to taste herring when fed sardines, and that was enough to get Thomas Aquinas canonized! That fell on deaf ears, let me tell you! It's a shame actually, because we've already got a town and golf course named after Saint Andrew in preparation."
With beatification out of the window, a knighthood is the best that Salmond can hope for, and has put the independence of Scotland on hold in order for this to be achieved.
Salmond has one more request to make, this time of the English media.
"I want them to stop saying Dunblane can now be associated with something positive, as the birthplace of Murray," he said. "Well, as amazing and wonderful as his Wimbledon win was, it's hardly on a news scale that the massacre was! So stop it!"