His Royal Highness Prince Charles has begun preparing the media for his inevitable coronation by inviting them into his home to allow them a glimpse of how he lives. It is his hope that this blatant buttering up will ease his passage into the kingship, and will mean he won't get dethroned by an angry mob as soon as people realise his stupid ears will be all over the stamps and banknotes. He held a special photo op to let journalists view his milk collection.
Prince Charles has long been a collector of milk, ever since he was a young future king. He was happy to explain how he enjoys the smell of milk, as well as the texture. His milk cellar now contains over three thousand barrels of the stuff, including some very rare specimens.
He is particularly fond of his Albanian goatherd's milk, which sits at the heart of his collection. On many evenings, he said, when he gets tired of looking at his wife's hideous face, he often comes down to the cellar to gaze upon his milk bottles, and he even talks to them.
"It's no different from the average man in the street," he insists. "Milk is the essence of life. We bathe in it, we get massages with it, and we even smoke it sometimes. Also it's relaxing to talk to milk, because you know it won't answer back, or divorce you and die in a tragic motoring accident."
The Prince then showed the gathered members of the world's media another favourite from his collection - a churn of his wife's own milk, extracted when she was still young enough to produce it. Charles has suggested that if things don't work out with Camilla, or if she should die for some unexplained reason, then that milk churn could become the next Queen.