Written by Herrdoktorfox
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Topics: 2016 Olympics

Friday, 28 June 2013

image for Rio 2016 - ...taking the plunge!
"Where's the feckin' balcony?"

Following Team UK's phenomenal success during the recent 2012 Olympics a new event has been added in readiness for the Rio Olympics in 2016.

Initially dubbed The Altitude Trounce it has now been officially titled The Elevation Plummet by the Olympic Committee and is seen as a sure fire Gold medal winning event for the British squad.

The event entails contestants getting paralytic on booze before hurling themselves to the ground from great heights, initially set at a basic 300 feet.

The event is seen as akin to high diving but without the booze and the water to break the fall, the Elevation Plummet is bound to prove a great medal winner for British contestants.

Many of the team are currently in training across the globe in such places as, Majorca, Benidorm, Sunny Beach in Bulgaria and even as far away as Auckland, New Zealand!

In these austere times the event is seen as especially cost effective due to the total lack of equipment require for training and therefore, has the full backing of David Cameron and the Coalition.

Basically all that is needed is a high rise hotel balcony, multi-storey carpark or even an electric pylon...provided the basic height is above 300 feet.

Due to the British holding the unenviable record for not being able to hold their drink the current team has been selected by none other than ex-champion piss-head Paul Gascoigne.

Paul has trawled many of his old Northern watering holes and a few down South and cobbled together a grand bunch of semi-literate youngsters. Most of whom are out of their heads after a couple of cheap lagers from Tesco and virtually unable to stand.

One such team member, Doug Graves, 19 a serial job-seeker from Liverpool, told our reporter: "I was on a cheap holiday wiv me mates like in Magaluf like, our room was on the twentieth floor like, so I downed a few San Miguels opened the window and hurled meself off the feckin' balcony like. It were feckin' great like, I hit this sun lounger and bounced across the pool landing on the concrete. I fractured me skull like, snapped me right wrist like and broke all me feckin' fingers on me left hand like. Drinking like most definitely effects your judgement like if I had been bleedin' sober I would never have had the balls to do it. Thanks to the falling down water I currently hold the unofficial record for the highest drop so far, plus its cured me habit of knocking one out every night!"

Meanwhile, not to be outdone another team member recently journeyed to Auckland, New Zealand and set about hurling himself out of an apartment window, regrettably he fell into a sheep truck and is currently 'missing' although rumour has it he has been sighted on the Canterbury plains.

Not to be outdone the female members of team GB are also giving it their all-between shagging sessions with the waiters-and reports are coming in of young scantily dressed women plunging from balconies right across the Costas in Spain.

So far this year cases of balcony hurling have increased at a fantastic rate proving yet again that the British Bulldog spirit is indeed alive and well and that team GB are on target to win as many gold medals as possible in this fascinating event.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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