Berks - "This time she's really had her chips," an Environment Agency inspector said today as a clean-up of the River Thames began following the dumping of millions of gallons of crude chip oil from Windsor Castle kitchens.
Hundred of swans, ducks and moorhens had to be rescued as chunks of fried Mars Bar en croute began gumming up avian digestive tracts along with bits of saveloy and discarded King Edwards spuds.
The spill was discovered late last night after some members of the Royal Ascot racing party complained of a nasty dark slime in the Castle backwaters where they were taking a traditional post-Gold Cup dip. [Taramasalata? 'Ed']
One of the swimmers, thought to be Princess Beatrice, was rushed to A&E for an emergency stomach pumping op after swallowing mouthfuls of the fetid stuff described by onlookers as 'a murky goo'.
"It's a catastrophe alright," a BBC Springbotch presenter commented as rescuers fought to save dozens of other crude-slimed creatures including indigenous Berkshire otters and scut-tailed Windsor beavers which had recently been featured on the TV show.
Later today specialist hydraulic pumping equipment will attempt to siphon off the filthy gallons in a salvage operation ordered by the London Mayor Boris Johnson.
A bounty-hunters' fee of tuppence in the pound may be payable on all successfully recovered gallons.