Written by CaptainSausage

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Wednesday, 12 June 2013

image for Survey reveals cannibals prefer to eat Brits
Humans: how do you eat yours?

The world's first ever survey of the eating preferences of cannibals has revealed that British people are the nationality of choice to have for dinner.

Nutritionist Wattle Ayeet said that it was obvious that most Britons would make a delicious meal. With a typical diet that contains extremely high levels of fats, salt and sugars, their flesh is rich, plump and flavoursome. Not only that but most British people have appalling table manners and gulp food down their throats like starving wolves. This means that when they eat, they are essentially producing the human equivalent of foie gras.

Other nationalities did not fare so well in the survey. French people tasted "arrogant", Italians' flesh was thought "tough and leathery", while Turks tasted "like chicken".

Cannibalism is illegal in most European countries, but technically if somebody dies of natural causes then it is not against the law to eat them if it can be proved that there is good reason. Many hospitals and undertakers have problems with cannibals hanging around outside them, hoping for scraps.

The survey was carried out by Heston Blumenthal, whose new restaurant/crematorium opens next month, called "Charred Uncle".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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