Labour leader Ed Miliband has pledged to ban heterosexual sex if he wins the next general Election.
"Heterosexual sex," claims Miliband, "is responsible for the population explosion and the resultant consequences are mass unemployment, famine and housing shortage.
"But foremost," he explained, "Heterosexual sex is highly offensive to homosexuals who regard heterosexual sex as disgusting and unnatural.
"When the ban on heterosexual sex comes into force, we will turn all the redundant Maternity Hospitals into Aids Clinics and former Primary Schools into 'Rectal Repair Units'.
"In order to sort out the mess caused by the Coalition our policies are going to start at the bottom and stay concentrated on the bottom."