London - Once thought to be a figure of speech, the internationally known but never before actually seen Straw Man (his chosen name) has come to the fore to rectify his demonization.
He held an impromptu press conference today in what we may call a mise en scène at Heathrow airport, where he claimed his getaway was to start. "You'll never see me again!" he cried out in the general direction of the massive crowd gathered at the check-in area.
The onlookers showed curiosity, not to say relief, at the spectacle unfolding, waiting at Heathrow having of late become measurable in days and über dull.
Straw Man harkened back to the golden age of cinema wherein his kind enjoyed prestige: "Take the Scarecrow in the Wizard of Oz - he really had a brain, respect is what he got. HIS name wouldn't have been besmirched, but my good name is constantly being used as a symbol for weak arguments of (mass) distraction and that really does piss me off. I'm out of here. The next person who uses me to make a manipulated argument will see me in court."
Straw Man stuffed a few loosened tufts back into his crotch-his excitement was evident.
He pleaded with the now grumbling crowd: "Even the American Halloween tradition was a source of pride to me. I just LOVED it when the kiddies would dress up like me, or mom ‘n' pop decorated their humble McMansions with respectful icons of me, pumpkins strewn around, the witches and goblins and skeletons happily frightening the shit out of the tykes. Those are happy memories now blotted out by the violence implied in the knocking-down-the-straw-man mentality lately. I hear that everywhere and it's so wrong."
Again, the loose tufts had worked their way out, but he went on, arms flaying about like a whirligig. "Fuck you all. I mean it!"
Now he seemed to be losing more volume than could sustain ‘life,' and the crowd was becoming restive.
"How come a MAN, by the by? Where's the straw WOman? This is discrimination at its worst. Like this:
Jack: How come it's a straw MAN? What does that say about men?
Jill: Why do you hate women?
Jack: I don't hate women. I'm just saying that the logical fallacy, setting up and knocking down a straw MAN, says something important about the perception of male power.
Jill: So, you hate women because they're less powerful.
And so on, ad nauseum!"
When last seen by this reporter, Straw Man was being pursued by the now frothing and foaming crowd, torches and pitchforks in hand, led by a world-class professor of logic.
The crowd was ACTUALLY ticked off by the infamous life-shortening queues, but Straw Man was just TOO handy.