Written by IainB
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Saturday, 1 June 2013

image for Christians row over analogy to Cola
Catholic? Protestant?

Catholics and Anglicans have almost come to physical blows after the various Christian religions have been compared to cola.

"There was an off the cuff remark from Jon Stewart saying Catholics were like Coca-cola, and Anglicans were like Pepsi," said promoter, Don King, who's been brought in to sell the rights to the fights. "The remark was meant to indicate that they're all the same, just slightly different flavours."

This off the cuff remark has sparked a religious war, with both Catholic and Anglican demanding that they are Coca-Cola, and the other is Pepsi.

"Well, it's a like this," said new Argentinian Pope, Pope Francis, Pope of the Catholics. "We think Coca-cola, it's a world famous brand, yes? It's a like the first cola. And that is a like us. We are the original and a like the best. Those Anglicans, they are a rip off."

Anglicans, for their part, led by Arch Bishop of Cantebury, Josh Welby, think that they are Coca-Cola.

"We're Coca-Cola," said Welby. "No question. We're the Real Thing. In fact, I think Catholic is Pepsi Max, they've got no sugar. We're sweet. They're not. And Protestants, they're Diet Coke."

Elsewhere on the religion map, other Christians are debating what kind of cola they are.

Methodists think that they are Panda Cola, the Cola people drink when there is no proper cola, whereas Unitarians think that they are Supermarket Own Brand Cola, as they'll take anybody, and don't really taste of anything. Rastafarians want to be Cola bottles, because their a little bit out there, and they are useful when you have the munchies. Greek Orthodox don't care what cola they are as long as it's got Bacardi in it.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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