Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 21 May 2013

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Atos came to the legless man, and lo! He could walk fifteen steps, and no longer entitled to benefit

Atos, the French company that has been charged by the Department for Work And Pensions to determine the disability payments for the people of the UK will be canonised by the Catholic church after a criticism from leader of the opposition, Ed Milliband.

"Basically," said Ed Milliband, "I said that after Atos had been put in charge, the number of disabled claimants had been unfairly reduced by thirty thousand people. People who were disabled last week, were not disabled this week."

The Pope, the elected representative of God on Earth, at least according to one religion, got wind of this comment and investigated.

"We have investigated the claims," said Deacon Mission, head of the Catholic church's Sainthood Department. "And we concur with Mr Milliband's assessment that Atos has made thirty thousand people no longer disabled. That is a better rate than Jesus. He only managed it with a handful. Thirty thousand is impressive by anybody's standards."

Atos have successfully made the blind able to see, the paralysed able to walk, and in five cases, brought back five people who were officially dead.

"Such a miracle requires recognition," said Mission. "And for this reason, Atos will be beatified, and later canonised once the paper work has gone through."

This will be the first time that an organisation has been made into a Saint by the Catholic church, but probably won't be the last.

"We have heard that Findus have managed to feed five thousand people using just four fish," said Mission. "That too is a miracle. Whilst BP have managed to create a plague of dead rotting fish upon their enemies. The Catholic church has finally realised what governments have realised a long time ago: organisations can be classed as people, and treated as such."

In an ironic twist, Atos will be the patron saint of the out of work.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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