London - (Associated Mess): There are rumbling of shock in the UK Hellfire Club today ahead of Friday's pivotal Virgo solar eclipse following the theft of a laptop computer in Manchester which detailed official security arrangements for next week's Labour Party conference as well as the names, addresses and blood-types of all the bungs-for-peerages row donors who 'lent' money to both Tories and Labour after sleeping with a 'mysterious brunette barrister' who promised them a seat in the Lords in return for solid cash.
Greater Manchester constabulary has been forced into a major re-think of its security strategy after video-taped footage of the wannabee peers eliciting the carnal favors of the size 18+, sun-tanned buxom female was published on the internet along with transcripts of conversations with her, promising large financial donations in the form of loans via numbered accounts at the Pyongyang branch of the Vatican Bank.
Now the after-shocks are being felt as far south as the House of Commons organic salad bar which has hosted many of the pre-prandial get-togethers that culminated in the individual acts of carnal passion in the cause of democracy and the Global Piss Process.
Hellfire Club sponsors who devised the Blair world domination master plan are now said to be in a state of irreversible panic after the internet footage was followed by warnings that the imminent solar eclipse would co-incide with the publication of all second-tier wannabee peers's names who had only just received their annual bursaries from the Non-Aligned Crack Barons convention following its Havana summit last weekend.
And to make matters all the worse, the Third Way architect himself, Bill Clinton, is due to arrive in London at the weekend after packing in a sell-out audience at the Albert Hall for the UK start of his global come-back tour on Tuesday - the date on which the Prime Monster himself is due to make his anal address to the Labour Party conference.
Many Hellfire Club grandees are up in arms over the timing of these events and have claimed that it is all one godawful stitch-up to corral the bent spooks and cops who erased NATO military intelligence of the 9/11 attacks in order to frame the law enforcement agencies holding detailos of their criminal records.
And senior officials in the Church of England are warning that the last time a solar eclipse of similar magnitude was felt over the UK, their own dirty dodgy dealings of the last one hundred years went straight down the pan after the Queen Mother Memorial Fund was found to have been investing in plutonium smuggling cartels in the pay of Iran's mad mullahs.
As we go to press, the arrangement for Bill Clinton's security are understood to have been thoroughly revised and his gratefully-donated suite at the Hellfire Club Hotel in Mayfair now upgraded to the palatial accommodation of the nearby Pinochet Suite of a leading competitor.
This may appease eclipse-watchers and astrology pundits in London whose column inches this week have presaged Hellfire damnation for the Third Way partners who subsequently metamorphosed into the Bush Administration at No 10 Downing Street.
But a few ringside seats are still available following the Royal Albert Hall gig, at a cosy fireside chat-type scenario hosted at the Old Fish Market in the Billingsgate area of London where the Fortune Forum is keen to grease palms with the Oleaginous One for a trifling £1000 consideration into its gagging coffers...