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Wednesday, 8 May 2013

image for Queen's speech in summary
The ring pull used at the state opening of Parliament

Her Majesty the Queen's speech to parliament today has achieved the impossible - all members of the House who were in attendance remained awake.

Her Royal Majesty opened her speech with a plea to Wrigley's, the chewing gum manufacturer, not to lay off staff when Sir Alex Chewingum retires as manager of Overpaid United later in the year.

She then went on to thanks talent show act JLS for instilling millions of kids with the confidence to enter show business, even if they know in their heart of hearts that they are utterly talentless. She added that even if you are tactless, untalented and a total half-wit who consistently holds his sheep-like fans to ransom, it still is possible to make a very easy living by pretending you are Canadian and calling yourself Justin Bieber.

She then thanked Tesco for helping to ensure old racehorses didn't just fade away at 20 to 1, but were put to a useful retirement, and also for their valiant efforts, which she said seemed to be paying off, converting every high street in the country into a retail graveyard, thanks to their Metro stores.

On politics, she said it was a proud day for the UK that all members of the French financial organisation, BNP, had, according to her lady in waiting, "lost all their seats and all their deposits", as she felt it was refreshing that the French didn't always get their own way in the EEC. She remarked that she thought the name Nick Griffin not to sound especially French.

She also thanked "that nice Mr Fabergé" of the "political party that always sleeps", You Kip, for entertaining the public in a manner that hadn't been seen since Michael Foot's hilarious antics avoiding the kids and "penny for the guy" each Haloween when he was leader of the Labour party. And she reiterated that during her meeting with the Prime Minister, she will still refuse to call him "Dave", preferring the formality of calling him Mr, er, Mr er .... oh whatever his surname is.

She also congratulated the Liberal Democrats for managing to keep it a secret for so long that they were the Government's coalition partner - her Royal Highness found out totally by accident when sitting next to some very pleasant chap from Sheffield with a yellow tie in Westminster Abbey for the funeral of Dame Hilda Bracket.

She concluded by encouraging the government to keep "fighting them on the beaches" especially if they were French, and by asking Black Rod not to make such a racket with his door knocker in future, as it caused the little man in the suit beside her, Mr Berk Cow, some consternation.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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