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Thursday, 2 May 2013

image for Prisoners to be stripped under new jail reforms
Exposing the criminal underbelly

The Justice Secretary has today announced prison reforms in a bid to cut down waiting lists. Prisoners will no longer automatically receive perks such as clothing and absorbent toilet paper.

Initially the prisoners will have to parade naked under the new initiative, until they earned the right to wear uniforms. Good behaviour will be rewarded with items of clothing, until such time as they are 'trustees' and fully dressed. It has been made clear that no inmate will secure early release just for receiving a single sweaty sock. The introduction of the 'Nudie Newbie' scheme has the practical benefit of reducing the risk of new prisoners absconding or carrying 'shivs' or other contraband about the person, that might be used to harm themselves or others.

The uniforms are to be designed by the prisoners themselves, in order to foster the creative skills of those prisoners who show the greatest artistic flair. Feltham Young Offenders institution is widely tipped to win the 2013 Felon Fashionista's award with their dove grey voluminous hoodie and open-buttock chaps ensemble. Ford Open Prison plan to challenge this with their lilac 'holiday camp' onesie design, which was crafted by 'Knuckles' Thompson as ironic and iconic lounge wear for those with time to kill.

Unless they can demonstrate they are determined to reform their behaviour, prisoners will also only be granted "restricted" access to the prison Starbucks and only be allowed short visits to the lavatory, without newspapers. Chris Grayling has made one concession, after intense pressure from human rights activists and literary scholars, that it is every persons inalienable right to wipe their arse on the Daily Mail.

In a bit to stop abuse of vulnerable prisoners in the harshest institutions, the punishment of "watching daytime television" is to be strictly regulated. The method was originally introduced to subdue the most violent offenders, but has resulted in several casualties that have been left 'mere vegetables'. Prison Officers have voiced objection at the proposed restriction in their use of the 'light entertainment cosh', protesting that inmates are going want to explore the boundaries of their new freedoms by setting up prison 'glee clubs'.

A spokesman for the Prison Officers Association observed "If you combine this with the clothing restrictions the outcome could be ugly. Channel 4 would have to film their endless documentaries for a much hardier audience". Gok Wan, meanwhile, is said to be all of a jiggle over his latest project "How to Look Good Naked Inside".

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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