Cristina Kirchner is reported to have reacted furiously to a letter from David Cameron detailing his proposition for a "Yes/No" British sovereignty referendum on mainland Argentina.
The letter, which was apparently intended as an April fool and arrived almost a month late due to the inept Argentine postal service, is said to have been addressed to Christine Kirkdale and was handwritten on the back of an antique Falklands War tourniquet.
"Forgive me," the letter begins, "but in line with the subject of this proposition, I have taken the liberty of turning your name into a British one, just so you can see how you like it."
"In light of the overwhelming 'yes' vote in the recent Falkland Islands referendum on whether or not to remain British, I propose that you hold a referendum to offer your mainlanders the chance to join our little South Atlantic party as well."
"After all, what with those pesky ham-eating Spaniards beating us to it back in the Colonial days, your people have never had the opportunity to experience just what riches we have to offer."
"I feel for your population, and it's a shame that they have been starved for so long of the ingredients of national greatness. I'm talking Bakewell tarts, irony, a stiff upper lip, the ability to queue politely, Scottish whisky, nationwide pride in lawn mowing, the ability to laugh at yourself, the best football hooliganism in the world, and above all, the ability to continually achieve against all odds. I may be jumping the gun, but I do honestly believe that your people might want to get in on this."
"Obviously, any decision on a referendum is entirely in your hands, but I just thought I'd let you know that our door is open should your people want to come and join us for a Dorset cream tea. It's just the kind of guy I am, and the sort of country that we are."
"Yours Sincerely, DC."
It's all about the cake
A poll published in a national newspaper last night revealed that 96% of Argentinians would be interested in becoming British, but only if Battenburg was part of any sovereignty deal.