Written by Teddy Silver
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Thursday, 18 April 2013

image for Spring unapologetic for striking over temperature cuts
Old ladies have had to resort to drinking Stella instead of Pimms.

Spring has refused to apologise for going on strike in Britain this year, instead citing immigrants, an unfortunate bout of Hepatitis B and government temperature cuts as a valid excuse for no longer giving a fuck whether elderly couples can drink Pimms in their gardens during March.

The illusive season, which has received a barrage of abuse from the British public on Twitter and Facebook over the last month, told reporters that "everyone should fuck off to Marbella if they're that bothered," before killing some blossoming daffodils with a brick and punching a new-born goat in the face.

"Thanks to the cuts made by Cameron, I'm restricted to temperatures below 14 degrees… What's the point in my job as a transition between frost bite and flip-flops without a random day in April where I get to scorch some ginger kids and give a claret-coloured nanny skin cancer? And don't even get me started on the revised pension plan..."

"I used to think nurses were whiney little bitches and tube drivers' were nothing more than greedy sex perverts. But now I realise they're well within their rights to strike on days when E4 are showing a Hollyoaks Omnibus. I mean, what's next? Enforced child labour and an invasion of Poland? This would have never happened under Thatcher."

"I might ask summer to come in early and cover for me. A few of my mates are going travelling around Thailand and I think I'll join them; I've always wanted to snort cocaine off of a ladyboy's genitals."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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