The health of the Queen has become problematically only days before the funeral of Margaret Thatcher. It was thought the Queen had caught measles and that it was spreading throughout the Royal family, but Dr Ian Knowall has advised us that the only known symptom - cold feet - is not usually associated with measles.
In a show of unusual foresight Rupert Murdoch has found he is too unwell to attend the funeral and those aware of the current weather forecast are noting carefully which way the wind is blowing. They fear it is blowing rapidly away from them.
Panic has almost overcome Mark Thatcher at news that Jeremy Clarkson has advised him that he cannot get his car to start and may have to miss Maggie's trip to St Paul's.
Defections among police are already taking place and a rumour was flying around that even troops were seeking transfers from duty outside the Cathedral. 'And this is before the transfer window!' exclaimed Football manager Sarah Ferguson, who was not even invited to the Big Event.
Nevertheless the bells of St Paul's are ringing - Ding Dong, DING DONG.