London - "It was bad enough last year," a No 10 deep throat whispered, "when one of Sam Cam's little bastard brothers, Luigi 'The Squid' Mussolini, got into the semifinals - and landed the top grace 'n' favor catering spot at the Olympic Village.
"Now we've got that Maria Gorgonzola in on the act, simpering behind the stove like a real Sicilian Nonna when she's nothing more than a cheap prosciutto volgare!."
Clearly the government's austerity cutbacks have not affected Big Dave's sprawling Italian relations as George 'Cook-The-Books' Osborne's plan to revive Cabinet members' fortunes spreads to the popular Beeb show.
Next week the popular cookery contest will see the elimination of countless quarter-finalists as non-Cameron relations are made to cook - and eat - crow.
A pound of whorseflesh to the lucky runners-up.