London - You can blame the House of Windsor's White Witch for the nuclear winter gripping the country a former stargazer to Princess Diana said today.
But the 100 year glacial rule will end 'on Easter Sunday' to fulfill an ages old redemption prophecy about restoring the kingdom 'to pre-New Labour daze'.
Polly Hexoplasm's message was posted on the Royal Farcebook page as much of the UK stays gripped by an arctic blast 'started by hideous jumped-up Scouser Cherie Blair' back in 1997.
Meanwhile in her cryogenic stasis laboratory under Windsor Castle Queen Elizabeth is resolutely oblivious to any resurrection message as aides struggled to administer yet another fountain of youth serum butt implant.
This helps Old Fatty Mountbatten project a realistic human appearance and keeps in check her parasitical alien DNA.
Unfortunately with each new jab her bloodline descendants turn up ever more bonkers on UK red top pages.
The throne of Cair Paravel was sold to the Russians shortly after Rasputin's death in 1917.