Written by Mr Anorchristic
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Saturday, 23 March 2013

image for Nick Clegg Sets the UK Security Bond Immigration Rate at £1,000 (Vat Inc).
A New UK Immigrant with a Thousand Pounds Yesterday

In a new twist and turn of PM David Cameron's recent visit to India Nick Clegg has paved the way for anybody to come to Britain en masse from India and Pakistan for the price of £1,000 sterling and Chicken Tikka Masala with extra rice.

In a speech today, Clegg revealed how the Home Office would charge immigrants from 'high risk' countries such as Cyprus, Spain, Scotland and Luton, £1,000 each to enter the UK. The deposit would be paid by visa applicants from these 'high risk' countries and repaid in Tesco vouchers when they leave the UK.

The security bond idea designed to tackle the problem of people coming to the UK for holidays or as students and remaining in the country illegally, was floated several times by the previous Labour government but never implemented and was understood to be under development by the Home Office.

Former Labour minister Keith Vaz, who was investigated for massive irregularities during the expenses scandal and his nefarious business dealings, was swerved politically and advised to 'take a passenger seat in politics', who then took a bureaucratic role such as chairman of the Home Affairs Select Committee to avoid prosecution, said the idea was 'unworkable and discriminatory' and said it had gone down badly when he tried to 'sell it to the Indians' in the late 1990s.

Vaz, or 'Snazzy Vazzy' as his political counterparts liked to call him because of his penchant for red ties and back handers, said today that 'this idea is likely to end in tears...we have tried it before'.

Snazzy Vazzy then when on to say that 'we are likely to face massive opposition from countries such as Western Samoa, Papa New Guinea and Luton Bedfordshire, all who will be very angry at this proposal'.
Snazzy Vazzy then went even further and said that 'remember the Cuban missile crisis and the arms race which followed the cold war'? Well just imagine that in Luton...it would be total devastation'.

Home Secretary and ex-sex worker Theresa May joined the argument and said that 'we need the black economy in immigrant workers as without them the UK could go bankrupt as it worth 12.3 billion a year in terms of revenue, plus we can raid Indian and Chinese restaurants 'willy nilly' and make millions that way: 'it's a winny win win situation' she said.

The Secretary of State for Business, Innovation and Skills waded in to the argument by saying 'I do speak to Nick Clegg on occasion but I rarely listen to anything he says as it seems that the PM has his hand wedged firmly up Nick Cleggs bottom and Clegg talks shite'

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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