Written by Joe Leff
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Friday, 22 March 2013

A Gateshead grandmother has been given a life ban from her local rugby club, Wearside Werewolves.

The 76-year-old prop-forward was shown the red card for going down on her opposing hooker during a tense game against local rivals Toon Tykes.

For Collie Floweryear, it was her 60th season and her 1,856th game. But this was her 99th offence. "Once she takes her teeth out, she'll go down on anybody," said her scrum flanker, Eva Narsupp.

Gateshead is one of the few Northern regions where mixed rugby is played.
"Collie has held her place in the team for nearly 60 years. She's good at handling stiff opposition," said club chairman Ernie Wichway. "But she has bitten off too many ears - and she's always fisting."

Mrs Floweryeres is said to be furious about her life-time ban. "I was looking forward to getting my 100th red card - and I'd 'ave shoved it up their arse," she growled.

The rugby club is having to erect a steel fence around the ground to prevent the ferocious front-row forward from wreaking further havoc at the club.

When things calm down a bit, Mrs Floweryear intends to head for Wharfedale RUFC, where older women can participate in mixed rugby and furious embroidery matches.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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