Written by IainB
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Thursday, 21 March 2013

image for Isle of Wight News - Hostage situation in Newport
Debenhams in Newport, peaceful now, but there was a police car in the fountain

There was high drama in the Island's largest city today as seven armed hostages took over Newport's tallest building, the five story Debenhams Department Store.

They stormed the building just before opening time and herded the thirty staff up to the top floor.

"It was terrifying," said Bev Arder, manager of the store. "They had guns and the like, and were really mean to us. They even turned off the escalators and made us walk to the top floor."

The staff were corralled in the cafe, while hostage negotiations took place.

"The police were pretty clueless, to be honest," said Bev. "Fortunately, my ex-husband is a Welsh policeman, and he'd come over for the launch of our spring collection. He's only my ex-because I don't like his taste in clothing. He's a good guy really is our David."

Dai Arder proved that he's a 'good guy' by picking off the terrorists one by one, as he made his way up the five story building through heating ducts and lift shafts.

"Dai did us all a favour," said police chief, Jean Darme, "in that he killed all of the terrorists and saved us the cost of a trial. He's a goddam hero."

The terrorists, said to be a splinter group from the Real Madrid, were actually after the vault in Debenham's basement, however, Dai Arder stopped them, killed every last one of them, including the one with an English accent, and the really large one that just wouldn't die, before leading all of the hostages to safety.

"I was almost swayed to go back with him," said Bev Arder. "However, he was wearing a white vest with a red dragon on it. Ugh."

For his part, Dai only had one thing to say: "Yippee-kai-ay"

Which is Welsh for: "Aw shucks, it were nothing."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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