Written by CaptainSausage

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Topics: Economy, Budget

Wednesday, 20 March 2013

image for UK Budget 2013 Announced
The economy is dead and nothing will budget

Chancellor George Osbourne has disclosed his planned budget for the UK for the coming year. As expected there will be significant belt-tightening, which may need to be aided by some financial pant removal. All in all, there is not going to be much room for growth or any kind of economic trouser action at all, so tight will Britain's belts be this coming year.

In an effort to create jobs for the accountancy industry, taxes themselves will be taxable at an annualised rate of 10%, but using the Julian calendar. Taxes raised by this measure will also be taxable at the same rate using the Gregorian calendar.

The beer escalator will be demolished and replaced with a lager staircase. Also being introduced are a gin cablecar, a champagne funicular and a whisky stairlift.

Petrol duty will be reintroduced as a replacement for national service. Pay rise caps must be worn at all times. Personal allowances will be made. Also, after being downgraded, the nation's credit ratings will be forced to rejoin the navy.

The Chancellor has also announced that unlike last year, he will not need to top up the UK's account balance by getting a loan from Wonga.com.

So, how will that affect everyone? The average family of two adults, two children, a car and a dog will be better off - provided they dispose of the dog, or sell the car and use the dog for transport.

Pensioner couples will technically be better off dead, unless they are disabled. Childless single people might be worse off but nobody will care. Emigrants will be better off but will not feel the effects unless they move back to the UK within the next 10 years.

Overall it is a budget of fiscal discipline within the bonds of international debt. A sado-masochistic orgy of self-flagellation and humiliation, in purely monetary terms, with only the gimp mask of financial respectability to hide the embarrassed face of a bankrupt country. Or maybe not.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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