Written by Joe Leff
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Monday, 18 March 2013

The new Archbishop of Glastonbury has spoken of how his life has changed since he discovered that his pet bears had been secretly drinking.

The Most Rev Jasper Selby has had three pet bears (Bruin, Cuddly and Yogi) for 10 years. They've always been well-behaved and, apart from leaving heavy foot prints on the back lawn and belching frequently, have never caused any bother.

But recently the Archbishop discovered that some of his bottles of wine had gone missing from his wine store that he keeps in his garden shed.

"I also noticed Cuddly bear and Yogi bear baiting each other with unsteady gates - which they'd ripped from the back fence," said the Archbishop. "And I've seen Bruin wandering around like a bear with a sore head."

Next-door neighbours were also concerned. "When we saw those drunken bears, we thought something was brewing. And sure enough, one of them was Bruin."

They called out the local vet, who carried out breathalyzer tests. "Bear fights can often turn grizzly," he warned.

The Archbishop was given the all-clear, but all three bears were over the legal limit, and were cautioned.

Worried neighbours are still angry. "When you think of the havoc that drunken bears could cause, it doesn't bear thinking about. And the Archbishop told us that they were well-behaved. He's just a bear-faced liar."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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