Balmoral Castle, Royal Weeside - (ReUterus & AssoCIAted mess): In an unprecedented break with tradition the materfamilias of the House of Mountbatten has lashed out angrily at reports that the Royal Funeral and Official Lying-in-State have been downgraded due to spiralling costs of the Iraq war and replaced with an economical Buy-One-Get-One-Free quickie cremation for her and spouse Philip scheduled just before the start of the Labour Party Conference next week.
The move comes after Prime Monster Tony Blair's weasely annual visit to Balmoral Castle this weekend when wife Cherry Bush QC had to break some bad news in her customary tactful manner.
After a stiff liquid sharpener or two, Mrs Blair revealed that instead of the Royal Funerary Procession headed by the customary sixty blazing-black stallions of the Royal Cavalry, a large skip had been booked to take the House of Mountbatten bodies away after an impending 'tragic mutual overdose scenario' brought on by the shock of hearing that Chile's General Augusto Pinochet had published his photo-album of personal snapshots for an alleged seven figure sum.
These include never previously released images documenting what really happened in a Havana brothel in 1942 with members of organised crime families including the Bushes, the Gellis, the Mountbattens and assorted Hellfire Club members now employed in high Pontifical office at the Vatican.
The news promopted an immediate enraged telephone call to the Press Association when the incandescent lifetime head of KGB-controlled organised crime in the western hemisphere blasted off her version of the conversation with the Blairs and vowed swift retribution in the event that 'anybody tampers with the Divine Plan' that has guaranteed her remaining Monarch until at least her 100th birthday.
The immediate press response was to double-check CIA reports that the Department for Constitutional Affairs had already made arrangements for Her ashes to be despatched later this week after the no-frills ceremony at Slough Crematorium, to her only lawfully-wedded husband, a.k.a. George Bush Senior, resident of Midland, Texas.
As the news broke hordes of desperate IRA-sympathisers and hired House of Mountbatten wannabee-mourners were bussed in by local Tory party members and started to gather outside the gates of Balmoral Castle.
Bookmakers too were swift to react to this unprecedented business opportunity and began to offer exact odds for the forthcoming Royal event, with 6/4 favorite going to an imminent double-whammy demise before this Thursday's eclipsed full moon.
Meanwhile the White House declined to comment on events in Scotland this weekend and lawyers acting for Mrs Barbara Bush remained stuff-lipped at the suggestion that she had been living in sin with a convicted bigamist for the last sixty years or so.
In Santiago, Chile General Augusto Pinochet issued a brief statement saying that a second family snapshots album had just been found in the ancestral attic and would soon be offered up on e-Bay.
Ariel Sharon, 84, remains in a coma in Tel Aviv.