A large turkey farm in Norfolk has been closed after traces of methadone were found in the turkey.
"We were checking the turkeys for horse meat contamination," said Fisheries and Farming minister, James Bond. "Having checked all the foods in freezers in every supermarket, we're now checking the animals themselves, make sure they are not horses. It's possible, they could have stuck feathers on small boned horses. Or wool. We've checked sheep as well."
While testing the turkeys were avian fowl type animals, the scientists working for the Fishing and Farmeries ministry noticed that several of the turkeys looked a little jittery or spaced out.
"We tested the turkeys and most of them had methadone in their system," said Bond. "The ones that didn't had THC in their blood."
The owner of the farm, who can't be called Matthew Bernard for legal reasons, has claimed that methadone is a perfectly safe additive to turkey food.
"It's great," sniffed Farmer Bernard. "I don't need fences or anything. The turkeys just don't want to leave. And when it's time for killing them, I stop giving them the methadone, and they come into the shed to be killed. I don't know what all the fuss is about."
The Fasheries and Firming ministry have now stopped all the drug supply to the birds.
"They're not coping well," said Bond. "There's a lot of anxious looking turkeys in that farm."
"Daft buggers," said Bernard. "You can't let a turkey go cold turkey."