Written by Slante Dangle
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Topics: Food, Unemployment

Tuesday, 5 March 2013

image for 'Jobseeker methane' used to preserve packets of value ham
Wake up and smell the methane

It has come to light that the manufacturers of low-cost packets of ham have been using human-derived methane as a means of preserving the meat for longer periods. Unpaid staff who were recruited through the government's back-to-work scheme were forced by the manufacturers to make their contributions to the packets' 'modified atmospheres'.

New recruit, John Johnson, explained "we did as we were told while the managers just seemed to be sniggering about our 'rite of passage' and that 'everyone had to start at the bottom'."

The accusation aimed at the manufacturers is that whilst they aren't able to add any more preservatives to the meat without it losing its classification as meat entirely, the methane-rich gas produced by some humans could add a further 1 month to the product's shelf life.

Food Science experts have acknowledged that human flatus could be an ideal food preservative if the 'host' was fed the correct diet. This matches reports of staff members being fed a diet high in Greggs and Red Bull. This particular food concoction is thought to be ideal for the manufacturers' needs, but one that has left many staff members simultaneously lethargic and hyperactive all the time.

Formal composition tests have yet to be reported, but experts are in agreement that the smell of the invisible gas released from the packets of ham is 'strangely familiar'.

One manufacturer at the centre of the controversy, Wheatly Hogg Ltd, released a non-committal statement, simply confirming that the allegations were nothing more than 'posturing' and 'hot air'.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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