Written by IainB
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Monday, 4 March 2013

image for Passengers demand the return of the Body Scanners
Can I keep my bra on - you can see everything that's in it

Air passengers at Stockport Airport are demanding a return of the full body terrahertz scanners after the replacement has proven unpopular.

The full body scanners were installed in 2005 and caused a massive controversy when it was revealed that the terrahertz frequency used could see straight through clothes, rendering people naked. These images were used to identify anybody carrying a weapon or fake boobs.

"After being in use for seven years," said airport security spokesperson Adam Lecher, "not one person has ever attempted to take a weapon of any description through the scanners. And they're very expensive, mainly due to all the electronics, and having to send the images off site to our team of asexual security guards."

Within two days of cessation of scanning, three guns and a two hundred millilitre bottle of perfume were attempted to be taken aboard a flight leaving for Dublin.

"That was just one passenger on one flight," said Lecher. "Can you imagine how many weapons and false breasts have been taken aboard other flights?"

In response, Stockport Airport have institute a much cheaper version of the full body scanner, which has the benefits of full body scanner with none of the associated cost.

"Basically, we get the passengers to take off all their clothes as they walk past the security desk," said Lecher. "This has completely eliminated bottles of liquid or hairspray cannisters being taken onto aircraft."

A small sign on entry to the new body scanner tells people what to do, and finishes with the caveat that it is very cold in the scanner, and that's why penises are so small, and all the staff are aware.

"We did get a hold up a couple of days ago," said Lecher. "A cross dresser came through, and it took them twenty minutes to undress and then dress again, but generally, the throughput is very smooth."

Passengers on the other hand are less than keen on the new system.

"I'm not flying until they bring back the body scanners," said Bert Windpipe, a disgruntled passenger. "That lot in there had a giggle at my colostomy bag. The buggers."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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