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Sunday, 3 March 2013

image for Ex-Cardinal Keith O'Brien checks in to exorcism boot camp
O'Brien is suspected of being necromancer Aleister Crowley's son

John o'Groats - Scotland's former primate is donning a hairshirt at a secluded rehab for penitent old Catlicks.

The retreat is famous for its self-debriefing therapies that let penitents talk themselves out of x-rated stuff deemed too gross for the confessional.

Last week O'Brien shocked his erstwhile flock with a sudden resignation amid lurid tabloid headlines about virginal seminarians.

But his problems may go way back to Mrs Thatcher's first government when someone grassed him up to the Security Services as Scottish Nationalists' leader Alex Salmond's birth pa.

O'Brien has since honed his position as an eminence grise behind Scottish separatists' pipe dreams to seize North Sea oil and gas.

Energy industry probes about his alleged Salmond paternity have also dug up some interesting claims that he fathered Argentina's mad dog President Cristina Kirchner, a woman obsessed with a new Falklands land grab following the discovery of oil reserves on the Islands.

A spokesperson for the Bell, Book 'N' Candle rehab clinic where O'Brien's currently slumming it denied a self-administered exorcism is standard procedure in debriefing 'inmates'.

Fees for the 100-day fasting and prayer program start at ten thousand squid.

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