Windsor - She's feeling sick to the pit of her stomach as a fit of royal norovirus simplex, [swine flu to the proles] threatens to lay out HM much like Kate Middleton last year.
The sight of poor little Poodsy Woodsy the Corgi impaled on an umbrella in the Castle's servants quarters was enough to make the Queen retch like a first trimester primagravida, barfing all over an Axminster runner.
"Hell, that's servants for you!" HM growled as the kitchen waiter scurried away for a quick hosedown leaving the dead mutt oozing vital fluids onto the floor.
At seventeen years old the royal pet had a reputation for virulently antisocial behavior against everyone except his beloved Queen.
The shock of it all saw Her Majesty airlifted by chopper this evening to London's Royal Freak Hospital where doctors diagnosed a good seven day stay with a large surgical bucket.
She's left instructions for a simple cremation followed by internment at Puddle Dock in London's Blackfriars Bridge where Roberto 'God's Banker' Calvi was found RIP'd.
A new Euro dog licence is still a bargain two thousand squid.