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Saturday, 2 March 2013

image for By-election result 'a furious ball of nothing'
one of the candidates initially wowing the pundits

Voters in Eastleigh are today counting the cost at yet another hyped election that fizzled into a complete let-down. Political pundits have reflected that this one initially promised so much colour, then failed to deliver.

There were several joke candidates, plus the usual entrants from the Loony, Frisbee and Elvis Loves Pets parties. Still the public are stunned at the boring outcome, though admittedly one of the comedy candidates did make it into the top three.

The tedious result is being attributed to Mike Thornton, the only 'grey man' in the bunch, not saying anything too silly.

Gilbert Fetlock, a local butcher said "One of the candidates, can't remember which, pitched a 'try before you buy' tactic, along the lines of: 'It is only a couple of years and then you can get rid of me - oh go on, gizza job. Pleeease'", Gilbert mused "I didn't think it smacked of desperation at all. In fact in today's jobs market, it seems a valid argument".

The Beer, Baccy and Crumpet Party did less well than expected, due to a lack of appeal to women voters. "It would have worked up North" said a party faithful, "they drink pints up there out of knobbly glasses. Down here though we should have gone with 'Chablis, Bruchetta and a Bit of Foreplay".

One or two voters openly admitted that they had voted in confusion for the Lib Dem candidate while they were hungry, really fancying a nice bit of chocolate.

Doris Parker, a resident of Eastleigh, was cautiously optimistic "We are just hoping that new MP lives up to the tradition of his predecessors in doing something totally unpredictable and newsworthy, like maybe addressing local issues and keeping promises." LibDem leaders are said to be furious at this 'tasteless and wholly insensitive' suggestion.

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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