Written by IainB
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Tuesday, 26 February 2013

image for BBC to adopt the Vague Temperature Scale on weather reports
Ooh, it's a bit warm in here.

After complaints that the BBC's latest attempts to get across how cold it is are worse than useless, the BBC have turned to professor Cryan Box for permission to use his vague temperature scale.

In the past, the BBC told people what the temperature was in Fahrenheit, this was then supplemented by the more understandable centigrade scale that eventually replaced it completely. However, it turns out that the general member of the public isn't bothered by how cold or warm it actually is, they want to know how cold it feels. For this reason, the BBC have introduced a perceived temperature, so that three degrees centigrade can feel like minus one degree centigrade.

"At least they kept the units the same," said Professor Box. "Imagine if they said it's five degrees centigrade, but feels like fifteen degrees Fahrenheit? How confusing would that be?"

Instead of centigrade or Fahrenheit, the BBC will henceforth be using VTS, the Vague Temperature Scale.

"It's a very simple system," said Box. "Generally, when you say six degrees centigrade to somebody, they look at you blankly. If you say 'Pretty Chilly' then they understand that."

The Vague Temperature scale goes from Arctic to Sweltering, and as such is not much use as a cooking guideline, but for weather forecasts it's ideal.

"You can't really set your oven to sweltering and have it cook your leg of lamb," said Box. "But say to somebody, it's sweltering out there, and they'll leave the cardigan at home."

The central point of the scale is 'mild', going down the scale goes past a bit nippy, chilly, a bit cold, cold, very cold and bloody cold before reaching arctic. Going the other way, there is warm, quite warm, close, hot, very hot, bloody hot and finishing with sweltering.

"I think you'll find future weather forecasts much more useful using my scale," said Box. "No need to thank me. But you can if you want."

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The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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